I need your help.
     I'm going to be doing a reading on Saturday, March 1, 2008, at the Uptown Writer's Space, located at 4802 N. Broadway, Suite 200, (www.uptownwritersspace.com/rs.php), in Chicago. The reading starts at 7:30 p.m., and the theme for the evening is March Madness, Murder and Mayhem. I will be reading along with John Weagly, editor, author of THE UNDERTOW OF SMALL TOWN DREAMS and plays too numerous to mention; Tina Jens, editor and author of THE BLUES AIN'T NOTHIN'; and John Berger and Joe Weintraub.
     The secret password to gain entry to the Uptown Writer's Space is: Here's my $5 suggested donation.
     You'll recall I said above that I needed your help. The problem is this: I'm going to sell SO damn many books at this event that I need a clever new dedication to write in them when people ask me for my autograph. I have come up with a couple of choices, and I need your help deciding between them. Here they are:
     Number 1.
     Dear X, Some day in the far, far, (far), future, you are going to see this book sitting on your shelf and look back on this day and say to yourself -- why the heck did I spend ten bucks on that piece of junk? On that day, I want you to think of all the things you could have done with that money instead, like putting it in the bank, where, through the miracle of compound interest, it would have earned you enough to buy a bright, shiny, green Vespa, or a lovely cemetery plot, or that really neat Transparent Rhinoceros you've had your eye on since you were a kid. (You know the one. The Transparent Rhinoceros that shows all the internal organs, including the removable baby rhinoceros inside.)
     But no, you bought this stupid, stupid book instead, and so, instead, I got the bright, shiny, green Vespa, and I got the lovely cemetery plot, and I got the really neat Transparent Rhinoceros. Not you. Take that, you stupid, stupid reader. That's right, you heard me. I said, take THAT!
     Enjoy the stories. --Martin Mundt--

     Number 2.
     Dear X, Warning! This product may cause loss of memory, stroke, boredom, high blood pressure, disgust, aphasia, lack of affect, a really creepy feeling that I'm somewhere in the room with you whenever you read, dyslexia, explosive diarrhea and the inability to control it, erections that last more than thirty-six hours, retroactive infantilism, gigantism of the extremities, bitterness, the irrational desire to ride a Great Dane on a moonlit beach and club strolling lovers on the heads with an Iroquois coup-stick, loss of memory, repetition repetition repetition of words, repressed memories, lapsed memories, vivid memories about stuff you'd rather forget, brightly colored geometric shapes floating in front of your eyes, false memories, memories about stuff you swear to God on a stack of Bibles a cubit high no way you ever did, dizziness, loss of memory, and, in a small but statistically significant percentage of cases, a warm, radiating contentment brought on by the sudden realization that everything in the universe is intimately connected to every other thing in the universe and you're part of a timeless feeling of pure love.
     Enjoy the stories. Peace and love. --Martin Mundt.--

     Okay, those are the choices, and here's how YOU can help ME. Thrust your newly purchased book in front of me after the reading and say, in a steady, unashamed but forceful tone of voice, "Do number two for me, right here on page one." Or number one. Your choice.
     Thanks. See you at the reading.